Why is it so hard to say “no”?
I opened the
door and there she stood, Christmas cookies in hand with her family trailing
behind walking up my front steps. She
was full of anticipation and excitement.
After all, it was three days till Christmas and she was there to join my
family in a neighborhood caroling party.
Why, then, did I have this overwhelming urge to slam the door in her
face? What on earth was the matter with
me? At that very moment, I had reached
my proverbial “wall”. I simply could not
face one more activity, one more party and I was certainly in no mood to sing
carols at the top of my lungs. Every
bone in my body ached and my spirit had flat-lined. Here we were, at my most favorite time of the
year, my most loved holiday and I was baked…DONE! I wish I could honestly say that I’d reached
my profound turning point and from that moment on I stopped choosing to double
and triple book my calendar.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
I sleep-walked through the event, hosting it as usual but with a
mummy-like presence before collapsing into bed the minute the door shut behind
the happy carolers.
My
exhaustion and overwhelm were only symptoms of something I have since come to
recognize as an addiction to the validation and recognition that comes from
saying “yes”. After all, had I not
voluntarily committed to every social event, school activity, sporting event,
church concert, children’s concert, gift shopping, party planning, gift
wrapping, cookie baking, card addressing, tree-trimming, house decorating and
company party planning and hosting for all those in my life who were counting
on me? The cold, hard truth of the
matter was…NO! I was not doing all that
for my children, my husband, my friends or even my community. I thought I was, but really, I was saying yes
to my vision of who I thought I needed to be.
If this
scenario seems familiar, you’re not alone.
Learning to say no is a starting place for about 90% of my female
clients. It has a deeply woven thread in
the fabric of overwhelm, frustration, burn-out and the inability to live in the
present. Overwhelm and over-committing
don’t discriminate. They’re troublesome
to virtually everyone, regardless of intelligence, education, socio-economic
level and proficiency. So why do we do
this to ourselves?
We fall into
the trap of over-committing due to a number of factors. ( At one time or another, I’m pretty sure
I’ve had to deal with all of these).
· setting boundaries.
· putting strategies in place to
protect boundaries.
· allowing other’s issues and crises to
becoming your own.
· feeling validated by “busyness” and
having a heavy schedule.
· fearing missing out on something.
· fearing damaging your reputation by
letting someone down.
· getting clear as to what activities
really matter to you.
In her book,
Find Your Courage, Margie Warrell suggests
there are two key blockers that prevent us from finding the courage to say no:
1.
Lack
of clarity about what you want to say yes to.
2.
“Shoulding”
on yourself…how we think we should
be seen by others.
In life
coaching, this is where we start. I help
my clients 1-identify what they value, 2-get clear about their purpose and
3-make choices that are meaningful to them.
Do you struggle with over-commitment and
overwhelm? Let’s talk about the life
affirming freedom you might find by learning to say no.
