Letting Go

 

 “Letting go” is a BIG topic.  It is an inevitable landing spot for my clients, my friends and my life!

For me, my love/hate relationship with letting go is usually connected to my ever-evolving process of walking away from perfectionism!  (Yikes, we got there fast!).  It usually has something to do with me not trusting that I am good enough without working to choreograph my life to perfection.  As Oprah put it, “perfectionists are ultimately afraid that the world is gonna see them for who they really are and they won’t measure up”.  So my” letting go” tends to be centered around unreasonable expectations for myself or others and whether or not I’m willing to accept help without trying to control the help.  Once I am reminded of the connection between “letting go” and perfectionism, I can embrace the reset, but it is not always easy for me to see it and to act upon it.

 There are obvious “letting go” transitions in life…your child’s first day of school, your child’s wedding day, your retirement, your aging and so forth.  It is the more subtle “hanging on/letting go” struggles we often don’t even notice, that cause us discomfort.  I am talking about the “hanging on/letting go” struggle as it relates to control.  Giving up control (like we ever really had it) is a step we ultimately have to take in order to evolve and grow.  DARN IT! 

The topic of “letting go” surfaces when a new Mom realizes she is in serious need of help.  It can be emotionally charged when she discovers the fact that the cost of getting that help is “letting go” of her way of doing things.  Funny how we sometimes wear ourselves out struggling to hold on to our way of paying the bills, our way of bathing the baby and our way of planning events. 

The wisdom of “letting go” can also surface when we discover a belief that no longer serves us (for example, ”the busier I am the more important I become”).  We often think that “letting go” means giving up or losing something.  Anticipating the transition from “career woman” to “career woman/mother”, one of my clients experienced a sense of sadness at the change coming to her world.  I asked her if she could see the possibility of “letting go” not as the loss of who she was, but rather as an expansion of who she was becoming.  “Letting go” always results in a gain.  What is gained is merely a reset of our intentions and priorities.

Having the awareness that solutions to my struggles might lie in “letting go” allows me to make way for fuller and richer experiences.

If you think you may have something to gain by “letting go”…I can help!  Contact me:

jandfulcher@gmail.com

www.janfulcherlifecoaching.com

 

fulchersolutions.com

EMPOWERING CONVERSATIONS

There have been innumerable titles and catch phrases used to describe effective communication.  However, regardless of the many ways to describe it, the goal of effective communication…to create a connection and understanding, has never changed.  Effective communication is the barrier that stands between being heard and acknowledged and feeling “stuck” and powerless.

Allowing others to support their efforts while working through transitions is critical to my coaching clients’ success.  However, they are often challenged by their inability to clearly state how and why that support is needed.  As it turns out, VULNERABILITY is a key element in relationship dynamics.  While it endears us to others, it’s often the very thing that stops us from asking for help in the first place.

We tend to not want to look vulnerable and yet we (particularly women) are immediately drawn to protect, support and champion others whom we view as vulnerable.  In fact, if we look at our deepest and most meaningful relationships, vulnerability (at one point or another) always leads to deeper bonding.  Absent the willingness to be vulnerable, relationships stay linear and superficial.

So when we prepare to engage in an empowering conversation, whether at work or at home, there are some steps to consider before taking the plunge.

1.       Recognize your feelings around the topic or issue but leave your ego at the door.  Get clear as to exactly what it is you’re feeling…”I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling unappreciated, I’m feeling invisible, I’m feeling powerless”.  Using the personal pronoun “I” in stating how you feel will help you to take responsibility for your feelings.  If you are having difficulty separating your feelings from the other person’s behavior, you’re not ready to talk!

2.       What is the intent or the object of the conversation you’re considering having?  How can you move forward toward a solution to the issue or challenge and honor the person, the relationship and yourself?  Stay away from needing to be RIGHT.  Stay focused on the highest intent of the conversation.

3.       Interestingly enough, the right time to have the conversation isn’t when you perceive the other person is ready to hear it.  Rather, it’s when you are clear with steps 1 and 2.

4.       Speak to the possibilities by giving voice to moving forward from a place of integrity, confidence and courage.  Keep it positive and solution driven, not accusatory or judgmental.

I’ve experienced the amazing transformation that takes place when these steps are taken before initiating a difficult conversation.  Shifting your mind-set from “power and dominance” to “empower and honor” can go a long way when soliciting the support you need in order to bring about change.

If you’re ready to learn how to have empowering conversations in order to discover and develop your strengths and to deepen your relationships, I’m here to help.  Connect with me at:  

fulchersolutions.com

 

Why is it so hard to say “no”?

I opened the door and there she stood, Christmas cookies in hand with her family trailing behind walking up my front steps.  She was full of anticipation and excitement.  After all, it was three days till Christmas and she was there to join my family in a neighborhood caroling party.  Why, then, did I have this overwhelming urge to slam the door in her face?  What on earth was the matter with me?  At that very moment, I had reached my proverbial “wall”.  I simply could not face one more activity, one more party and I was certainly in no mood to sing carols at the top of my lungs.  Every bone in my body ached and my spirit had flat-lined.  Here we were, at my most favorite time of the year, my most loved holiday and I was baked…DONE!  I wish I could honestly say that I’d reached my profound turning point and from that moment on I stopped choosing to double and triple book my calendar.    Unfortunately, that was not the case.  I sleep-walked through the event, hosting it as usual but with a mummy-like presence before collapsing into bed the minute the door shut behind the happy carolers. 

My exhaustion and overwhelm were only symptoms of something I have since come to recognize as an addiction to the validation and recognition that comes from saying “yes”.  After all, had I not voluntarily committed to every social event, school activity, sporting event, church concert, children’s concert, gift shopping, party planning, gift wrapping, cookie baking, card addressing, tree-trimming, house decorating and company party planning and hosting for all those in my life who were counting on me?  The cold, hard truth of the matter was…NO!  I was not doing all that for my children, my husband, my friends or even my community.  I thought I was, but really, I was saying yes to my vision of who I thought I needed to be.

If this scenario seems familiar, you’re not alone.  Learning to say no is a starting place for about 90% of my female clients.  It has a deeply woven thread in the fabric of overwhelm, frustration, burn-out and the inability to live in the present.  Overwhelm and over-committing don’t discriminate.  They’re troublesome to virtually everyone, regardless of intelligence, education, socio-economic level and proficiency.  So why do we do this to ourselves?

We fall into the trap of over-committing due to a number of factors.  ( At one time or another, I’m pretty sure I’ve had to deal with all of these).

·       setting boundaries.

·       putting strategies in place to protect boundaries.

·       allowing other’s issues and crises to becoming your own.

·       feeling validated by “busyness” and having a heavy schedule.

·       fearing missing out on something.

·       fearing damaging your reputation by letting someone down.

·       getting clear as to what activities really matter to you.

 

In her book, Find Your Courage, Margie Warrell suggests there are two key blockers that prevent us from finding the courage to say no:

1.    Lack of clarity about what you want to say yes to.

2.    “Shoulding” on yourself…how we think we should be seen by others.

In life coaching, this is where we start.  I help my clients 1-identify what they value, 2-get clear about their purpose and 3-make choices that are meaningful to them.

 Do you struggle with over-commitment and overwhelm?  Let’s talk about the life affirming freedom you might find by learning to say no.

Message me on Facebook or email me at jandfulcher@gmail.com to schedule a complimentary 15 minute chat. 

fulchersolutions.com

Living in the Moment

Several years ago, while sitting at my daughter’s wedding, I was haunted by our pastor’s words…”I ask you to be truly present in this moment”.  I felt as if I had been shaken from a deep sleep.  How many times in my life had I not been truly present?  What had I missed by allowing my mind to not live in the present?  What had I missed due to being driven by accomplishing rather than being?  Thinking back, my mind soon drifted to “I wonder how the reception looks?  Did they forget anything?”  Oops, I guess my “living-in-the-present” muscle needed some strengthening.   After 11 years committed to my own personal development, while providing guidance to numerous life coaching clients, I continue to be a work in progress.  However, I’m proud to say that I have made progress.  It’s easy for me to have empathy for my clients whose joy has been sabotaged and who, subsequently, have become overwhelmed due to their failure to stay in the present.

When a client is working through a transition, “overwhelm” is the first place I look for an opportunity to help them make a small change that will yield a big result.  When we are overwhelmed, we tend to live in the future.  Living in the present causes us to slow down and, subconsciously, we think we are too busy to slow down.  Our brain speeds to the next task because, remember, we are overwhelmed (no time…no time).  Have you ever noticed how people who function with confidence, poise and control don’t seem to be distracted?  They appear to have all the time in the world.  It turns out that highly competent, productive and resilient people have developed characteristics that serve to help them navigate their busy lives while guarding against chronic overwhelm.  Those characteristics are:

·         They have a clear understanding of what they value.

·         They possess a sense of purpose.

·         They practice gratitude.

·         They respect boundaries that protect them from over-committing their time and resources.

·         They believe in their personal value and that they are “enough”.

·         They accept life’s (and their own) imperfections.

·         They are committed to enjoying their lives every day.

With a life coaching professional committed to helping you find your strengths, face and overcome your obstacles and keep you on track, you can reduce the bumps in the road.  So if you find yourself bogged down in future thinking and feeling overwhelmed, let me ask you:  What are you missing by not being fully present?  How are your boundaries?  Will your next accomplishment PROVE your value?  Would you like to travel a smoother road?

Let’s talk about how I might help you.

jandfulcher@gmail.com